Recording some of life's more craptacular events.

I realize that anyone reading this blog in the last week (which I believe is Zero right now, and that’s OK) would think that I am about to fall onto a sword to end my miserable existence.   I’m writing what I feel at the moment just to get it out but those moments are short-lived.   They could last longer but they haven’t been.  Evening and nighttime is the worst and I’m not sure why.  But it’s like that for a lot of people with depression.

I figured I should write something when I’m not feeling low which, if I re-read when I did feel like shit, might help pull me out of it.

So getting to work on time has been a major problem for me for a few months now (again).   My sleep pattern has been all kinds of fucked up and I’m trying very hard to fix it.  Trying, but failing so far.  I generally can’t get to sleep before 4am with some nights ending after 6am.  One night last week I could not get to sleep until after 7am.  I was exhausted but unable to fall asleep.   But most of the time I become energized at night and can’t wind down enough to sleep at a reasonable time.    I eventually fall asleep from exhaustion the next morning but then, of course, I’m not able to wake up when I need to get to work on time.  My shift officially begins at 9am.   I haven’t been able to get in at 9 since about August-ish.    And here’s the kicker; I want to get in to work much earlier than that so that I can get my kids out of school earlier than 6pm.   Their lives consist of school and homework.   They have no life beyond that and I want to give them a chance to relax at home and start them on piano lessons (or something) to enrich their lives a little.

So my immediate challenge is to fix my sleep pattern.  I bought 2 light therapy lamps and started using them this week.   I don’t think they are working yet.   The idea is to use it to help my depression but also get my body more awake during the day so that it will wind down at night instead of dragging all day and revving up at night.    It’s not the only thing I’m going to be doing, tho.  I don’t think a light on its own could do the job….    but its a start.

So about 2 hours ago (after sitting in front of my light for 30 minutes at work) (which was also after laying in bed with my light on at home for an hour trying to keep my eyes open), my brain finally woke up and I was/am feeling really good.    I have energy, I’m alert, the thoughts in my head are not morose.  In fact, I think my mind is empty right now.  lol!   Which is better than the alternative I guess.

I’m not thinking about all the things I listed last night.  I don’t feel alone, dejected, useless, or like a waste of a human.    I just feel normal with a boost of energy and optimism.   This is how a normal person should feel on any given day.   I don’t get these very often.

Well, I didn’t write anything groundbreaking, but I’m done writing for now.     I got shit to do.  ;)

I’ve been fighting it for a long time and every now and again it wins.  I think now is one of those times.  A strong support system helps, but I don’t have one of those.  When I sense the void where one should be, it gets especially hard to fight this thing.  It tells me that I am alone in the world.  If my kids knew how I felt, they would probably cry with me and try to keep me standing but I’m afraid that my weight would crush them on my way down.   

I don’t have a corner stone.  I am on my own.  If someone thinks they love me, they don’t.  I don’t have anyone who could help me save my life.   That thought is hard to digest and the pain burns me deep inside.  It makes me feel like a hollow shell of a person.  It feels like it did in that old relationship I had when it was so obvious that he didn’t love me but I kept hanging on because just maybe I could change his mind.  How foolish I was all those years ago.  The difference now is that I am not fooling myself anymore.   That is what it’s telling me.    I have no support from the ones closest to me and if I survive it this time I will have no one to thank but myself. 

I’m sitting here having those morose thoughts that make me wonder how anyone could find a lasting and valuable purpose in life.  The thoughts always stem from the fact that everyone ends up 6 feet under.  No matter what you do with your life or how good or bad of a person you are, you will end up 6 feet underground. So what is the purpose of living a life at all?  

There is so much evil in the world… how can I ensure my kids never have to live any of it?  How do I stop them from ending up living with the same dreary thoughts as me?  Even if the horrors that could happen never do happen to them, what’s to stop their own minds from creating their own personal horrors for them like it has happened to me?  What would my own mother think if she knew the sadness I struggle with every day?  I know she would want to stop it and help me be happy, but the truth remains as I have said before.  The fact that we all end up dying one day and disappearing from the earth unable to help our own children survive whatever evil might come their way.   I know I wouldn’t be able to survive my existence if something were to happen to either of my kids.  So is the answer to check out while I’m ahead?   Or is that truly a selfish act as it would cause them pain and deprive them of my support in the event that evil does knock on their door one day?  

Having said all that, if I only live life with my mind scared shitless over all the evil in the world, then I’m not fit to provide a happy environment for my kids.   I am, and have been, sustaining an environment devoid of joy and self confidence and feelings of well-being.  The happiness that exists in their lives today does not come from me because I have no true happiness in me.   It’s as if someone let me in on a terrible secret about the world and then I was asked to go on with my life and pretend it didn’t exist.   Sometimes I tell myself I wouldn’t have had kids if I knew this was the way it was going to be.  I don’t know if life is a blessing or a curse.  Before my kids existed on this earth they could feel no pain, no sadness.  But now the possibilities are endless and their fate is out of my control.   

But… they are here now and I know what life without a mother is like and I don’t want that for them either.  I have lost track of all the times I could have used a mother’s advice and support.  Perhaps my mother would have kept me grounded.  Perhaps she would have been my spiritual soundboard considering I have none today.   I don’t know.   No one could know.  But I know that I’m not the kind of mother I want for my kids and I struggle to change it not only for them but for me.  I don’t want to be so down like the sole holder of this horrible secret which is that they, too, will one day die.  My youngest one doesn’t truly know that and I cry inside that she never have to find out. 

It’s been a while.  I tried to move this blog months ago but it just didn’t happen. I never could find a different domain name that spoke to me and it felt like moving the blog was really an exercise in futility so I just stopped blogging altogether.   But now I need to start writing again so I set a ton of old posts to private to rid this blog of the old bad mojo which led to it being password protected in the first place.  I wish there was a way to block certain individuals from reading and commenting, but I need to know my posts are public or they are not as therapeutic for me.  I’ll deal with those bridges as I come to them.   But anyway…

About 6 months ago or more, I grew completely tired of the side effects I was having to anti-depressant medication I was on.   I was gaining weight uncontrollably and my legs were always swollen.  I wasn’t feeling suicidal or having crazy mood swings, but that was the extent of the beneficial side of those meds.   So without telling my psychiatrist, I started to ween myself off those meds by taking them every other day, then every 3rd day, and so on.   After I stopped taking them, I switched to a new psychiatrist because I still needed ADHD meds and told him I had taken myself off the others.   He was skeptical and said it would probably come to bite me in the ass.  And it did for a while, but I refused to get back on those things and instead started to do things to help myself like get the house cleaned and restart my side business, and it worked.   I got over the worst of it.   Today my mood is the same as it was on anti-spdepressants, but unfortunately that’s not really saying much.   I feel like my life could be a lot better than it is.  I’m tired of living with the bare minimum amount of energy needed to get me through the day.    I know I’m not 20 anymore, but I want the same feelings of well being I used to have in those days.  And I want to do it without medications.  I already know the meds can’t achieve that for me anyway. 

I had already started (thinking of) doing things that made sense to me like getting out on the weekends and becoming more physically active.    Then someone told me about research done by a clinical psychologist named Stephen Ilardi.   I watched a 2 hour lecture by him on YouTube and I knew he was right about everything he was saying.   So I started reading his book yesterday and working on making a few other changes.   It is all natural common sense type stuff which is why it speaks to me.  It just reaffirms a lot of the things I already knew, but with added information I never knew. 

One of them is to write down my thoughts so that I can move on from them.   I tend to be obsessive about certain things and I already knew writing helps me stop mulling things over ..and over.   Depression makes you relive the bad moments and makes you get stuck on negative thoughts.   I can usually gauge the depth of my depression by looking at the kinds of things my mind gets stuck on, and this week has not been so good.   Anyway….

…baby steps.

So I took my toolbox to work today to attempt to fix a coworker’s work phone.  It didn’t go as planned but the phone is fixed. The replacement part cost $200 and I just happened to have one at home. The company is reimbursing for the repair because a new phone would have cost $600 anyway. Now I have another work phone repair lined up. This is awesome but funny. I’m not making any money out of it but its humorous that it would be expensed.  This atypical of them.  

I’m having a major problem with motivation.  I always have.  At work I have no problem with motivation, but at home it’s the complete opposite.  Anyway, how do I get going then?  How and where do I find this motivation and energy I’m lacking when it comes to doing things for myself and my family at home?   I have no clue.   Boy, writing this post did nothing to help. lol!

So when it comes to housework, I’ve been told to do things like pretending that a room is going to be photographed or that I’m expecting company.  I kindof have a problem trying to trick my mind into something it already knows is not true.  So it just isn’t thee solution for me.  Making a plan tho is something I love doing.   I can plan for action till the cows come home but when it comes to actually taking action, I fail miserably. 

I remember the garage project where I photographed the progress of the garage.   That was cool and it gave me the motivation I needed.  Maybe that is what I need to do then?  Create a time-lapse video of each room as I clean and organize it?  And maybe I should do that same with my body for weight loss ?  I know how to do a 360 of myself.   Maybe I should do that.   Hrm..  I just got the wheels turning in my head.   Thank you , blog.  You helped afterall.

I keep asking myself this… How’s it possible to move to a place with a higher percentage of gays and transsexuals than I already work with?   I can’t help but feel a jinx coming on…   Just watch me move to a place like this but end up working with the most conservative, boring bunch of people on the planet. With the shit that comes out of my mouth at work, I would quickly be out the door.  I would quickly want to be out the door.  With my luck this will come true.  There is no better bunch of people than the group I work with today. I just wish I could bring them with me wherever I go.  

I love my job mostly because I love the people I work with. I don’t know what the formula is, but Verio got it right with my department. and it’s not that so many are gay or transsexual. None of that matters. What matters is that we respect each other. Moreover, we can still say anything on our minds without being afraid of offending people, bad jokes and all. 

So some discussion came up about my pets today and it got me thinking.

There has never been a question in my mind that I would save my kids first if our house were on fire and I had to run in and get only one thing.  I could never choose between them so I won’t even entertain the idea.  I would get “my kids” that’s the one thing I would run in to get.  Second thing would be my husband, 3rd my African Grey, 4th my laptop.  That’s where all the irreplaceable pictures are.  Sadly, it’s a tossup between the African Grey and my laptop.  

But what if I were moving to the other side of the world and had to choose?  Same things, same order, but now I have a big truck and I can choose from among the rest of my pets.   So who or what else would I bring with me besides the obvious children, spouse, and photos I mentioned above?    In this order…

1) Zuzu – African Grey

2) Appa – Dog

3) Bullet – Dog

4) Sunny – Bird

5) Jake – Rabbit

6) Jewel – Rabbit

7) Manasha & Bogo – Snakes

8) Chewie – Bird

9) All other non-essential possessions 

Chewie hates my guts which is why he’s last on the list.  LOL!  Snakes are snakes and can be replaced, but if I bring one, I might as well bring both.  There’s not that much more effort with two of those as there is with one.  Numbers 6 and 7 are a toss up actually.  I may want to keep the snakes and leave Jewel behind, but I think my kids may take objection with that. 

Essential possessions would have to come before any pets because my kids need those to live, right?  Anyway, I have zero furniture that any of us are emotionally attached to.  Everything from the home business would HAVE to come because I have too much money tied up in that….    I may actually need 2 trucks!!  LOL!

 

So an opportunity has presented itself to us this week.  An offer has been made that is *almost* too good to refuse.  Some serious thinking must be done because this one involves us moving to the other side of the country.  Is this job really worth all that trouble and expense?  All I know is that for now I’m not moving anywhere and I’m staying right where I am.  I am just too happy at my current job and the chance for promotion too great for me to just pick up and go.  So I’m staying right where I am.  But Dennis is likely going to move.  This doesn’t mean we’re getting separated, it just means that we don’t want to close doors. 

He says if he made more money where we’re at, that he would stay.  I genuinely care about where I work and I genuinely love my job.   I can’t see giving that up over a huge question mark over another city.  Moving is not easy.  Let alone having to move and pay for everything out of pocket because the company won’t  pay for moving us.  Tough decision indeed.

I weighed myself on Friday and the scale said 220lbs.   This filled me with a sense of WTF!!!!

Honestly, I haven’t been eating more than I always do… so why the constant weight gain???   I whined about this issue with my head doctor later that day and she said the same thing she always says to me.  ”Eat this not that.  Exercise more…” and so on..  OMG.  The meds might be doing it but I already take half of what I was on a year or so ago…  so why the weight gain?! 

I have back issues which are exacerbated by the weight gain, which in turn stop me from being more physically active.  Something’s gotta give.