I realize that anyone reading this blog in the last week (which I believe is Zero right now, and that’s OK) would think that I am about to fall onto a sword to end my miserable existence. I’m writing what I feel at the moment just to get it out but those moments are short-lived. They could last longer but they haven’t been. Evening and nighttime is the worst and I’m not sure why. But it’s like that for a lot of people with depression.
I figured I should write something when I’m not feeling low which, if I re-read when I did feel like shit, might help pull me out of it.
So getting to work on time has been a major problem for me for a few months now (again). My sleep pattern has been all kinds of fucked up and I’m trying very hard to fix it. Trying, but failing so far. I generally can’t get to sleep before 4am with some nights ending after 6am. One night last week I could not get to sleep until after 7am. I was exhausted but unable to fall asleep. But most of the time I become energized at night and can’t wind down enough to sleep at a reasonable time. I eventually fall asleep from exhaustion the next morning but then, of course, I’m not able to wake up when I need to get to work on time. My shift officially begins at 9am. I haven’t been able to get in at 9 since about August-ish. And here’s the kicker; I want to get in to work much earlier than that so that I can get my kids out of school earlier than 6pm. Their lives consist of school and homework. They have no life beyond that and I want to give them a chance to relax at home and start them on piano lessons (or something) to enrich their lives a little.
So my immediate challenge is to fix my sleep pattern. I bought 2 light therapy lamps and started using them this week. I don’t think they are working yet. The idea is to use it to help my depression but also get my body more awake during the day so that it will wind down at night instead of dragging all day and revving up at night. It’s not the only thing I’m going to be doing, tho. I don’t think a light on its own could do the job…. but its a start.
So about 2 hours ago (after sitting in front of my light for 30 minutes at work) (which was also after laying in bed with my light on at home for an hour trying to keep my eyes open), my brain finally woke up and I was/am feeling really good. I have energy, I’m alert, the thoughts in my head are not morose. In fact, I think my mind is empty right now. lol! Which is better than the alternative I guess.
I’m not thinking about all the things I listed last night. I don’t feel alone, dejected, useless, or like a waste of a human. I just feel normal with a boost of energy and optimism. This is how a normal person should feel on any given day. I don’t get these very often.
Well, I didn’t write anything groundbreaking, but I’m done writing for now. I got shit to do.